Regret, the Mirage and the Path
The Poetry of Mahmoud Darwish
I want to write about the words that told me it would be ok. And I wonder about regret. About how unfair it can be and what happens to make someone think their life hasn’t worked out.
The implicit question is: compared to what? And this opens paths forward into the world we live in, the halo effect in social media, the pressure of needing more money to have more life and the irony there, and then there is still the essential topic of one’s personal goals.
There has been a line from a poem that returns to me often. I am returning to this poet’s work now for end-of-the-day reading. I love the poetry of Mahmoud Darwish, and it is this line from this poem that changed my sense of regret, comprehension of lost time, and the nature of life direction:
If it weren’t for the mirage
I wouldn’t have walked to the seven hills ...
if it weren’t for the mirage
I think of the mirage. What is the value of a life-vision outgrown? It is hard to say these things are always helpful. A vision is as much a guess as it is a plan. And as I’ve grown, I’ve shed many versions and visions of myself. How many have been false? Haven’t they been true enough?
In detail, it could be said moving to DC was a life goal. When I first experienced this city as an adult in 2017 for a writing conference during grad school, it felt right. I recall the feeling of something similar and new all at once. I appreciate the laugh-ability of it, but anyone who knew me before leaving California would know that I tried to use the vast commuter rail system like a subway system. I longed for easier movement and connectivity without the barrier of a car between me and the world. 2017 was a chance to experience using an actual metro system while moving from place to place in search of ideas and people.
But the idea of moving here was sidelined. School continued, I stumbled into co-foundership, and I was in relationships that kept me based in California. When I moved to Boston with my now-ex, it seemed correct in life that I make the move with someone I care for. When the time came to move away from Boston, I had to also face the pressure of a new vision, a re-vision of my life.
Was Boston a true thing? Yes, until it wasn’t.
Even if Boston didn’t workout for me, even as life remains an ever-changing path, it isn’t without meaning. I take this line as my defense. Without the mirage, I wouldn’t have walked.
More soon,
Trevor
P.S.
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